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She seems to live in a vacuum—not once giving voice to the clamouring problems of what any of this means in the outside world. “I’m afraid of abandoning my children and their idea of what a family should be.” For a moment I am stunned into silence. Her children must know only too well that this shared isolation is not a family. I have so many divorced friends and they all seem miserable. The betrayal is no longer important to me, except as a catalyst for an understanding of self, a move into a better life.“It was after he dumped me that I really started thinking. But he is a lawyer from a good family; my dad had worked in a factory and came home dirty. ” There it is again: the spectre of being working class; the ghost of her mother rising up, requiring her to worry about appearances, about what people will think. Perhaps Laura needs that kick, needs Ben to force the decision.
Counselling demands a preliminary conversation on why such therapy is necessary.
But after about a month he said he was falling in love with me and it was affecting his relationship with his wife, and so he had to end things. “Did you never think about the type of person he must be? It was a thousand times more intense than with the other guy. He said, ‘I want you to kiss me.’ I went over to him and kissed him. And all that stuff—I don’t know what it’s called—was falling down and was in my hair and all over my shirt, and he was brushing it from my face and laughing. If an illicit affair stretches on, will it inevitably become as banal as marriage?
I seem to think if you don’t talk about something, it doesn’t really exist. I know what it is to live with another human being and yet remain completely alone, to be immersed in mind-numbing predictability. So, the loneliness remains, highlighting the vacant, nondescript apathetic days. I went online to chat rooms, not really wanting anything except connection. We chatted for a long time, and there’d been some telephone calls with sex talk. In his picture he wasn’t very good-looking, kind of geeky. I was attracted to all the attention he was paying me, and by then I was more in touch with my body than ever before.
Ben left that bedroom so easily; he was relieved to return to his sanctuary. And as there have been no real conversations since…well, you see the problem? I met a man online, married, living in the southern states.
I have a Grade 12 education; he has a string of degrees. I ask if her husband found it strange that she took so many vacations.